Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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