I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
