drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
