i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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