it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
