Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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