I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
We're too hungover to prance.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
