And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
