Umm I'm too high to move.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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