I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
