you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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