remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Pants are for mortals
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
