It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
what day is it and did you see me today?
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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