i just sent this text using only my big toe
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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