the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
