my soul wont recognize me after tonight
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Randomize
