Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
