I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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