I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
