Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
