My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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