So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
