brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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