I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Girls should come with a carfax report
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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