There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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