a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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