Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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