I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
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