proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I just found a bag of teeth...
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
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