Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
