I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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