I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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