make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
