shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
