mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
