I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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