is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
