I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
