kristin has been a bad kristin
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
