all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
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