If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
