WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
