To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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