I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
