Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
