Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Randomize
