There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
