There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize