just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
We are two peas in an std pod
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize