I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
