Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Cover your peen. We're going out.
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