Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Randomize
