i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
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