I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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