Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
