remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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