I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
