shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I would fuck him just for his dog
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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