I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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