did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
